Bottoms up.

My love came in the mail, but disc one is damaged. I am trying something to fix it, but I’m worried I’m going to end up with a fried computer. All right, I’m resolving to stop with my madness and I’ll just smooth things out when I go home for winter break.

Finals are very soon, and I am worried. But I mustn’t feel too down if I don’t do well. I need to be put in my place, right?

I don’t like spreading myself thin. I really just want to be able to do one thing very well as opposed to being able to do many things passably. Those super-people who are involved in ten million things astound me. I guess I’m too self-absorbed; time for myself is of great importance.

I took another online personality test and once again they told me I was a sack of shit. I don’t think I am, but it’s always the ones who don’t think they are who are the worst offenders. Is this what I’ve come to?

Thanksgiving break was incredibly nice. Fewer people to get in your way and everyone seemed more relaxed. And I acted like a good consumer yesterday and bought myself something I didn’t need. A skirt. A matronly skirt. But it seemed pretty well-constructed for $20. And it was Swedish, so hey, why not? I hear they’ve opened a branch back home, too. And for whatever reason, I don’t despise the store.

Now I’m wondering how I’ve changed in the past two months or so. I can tell that these entries at least don’t flow or come out the same way. No, I don’t really like the new way, but I can’t even remember what to do to get the old way. It is late, and I am tired.

And disillusioned or confused, you might say. I guess my psychology book was right about polarized opinions in college. I am finding that things that used to not even register are starting to bother me more and more. Drinking being the most prominent of these things. Like, I used to be able to watch television and see these people going to bars or sipping wine or getting sloshed and that was that, but now I just get so very uncomfortable when I notice the places alcohol pops up. I’m starting to really look down my nose at people who drink. I know I shouldn’t, but I’ve got all these moral hang-ups about drinking the more I see it and so there’s this overwhelming feeling of disgust that I can’t help. People I respect seem less respectable. There’s one shining example, but I don’t want to put his name down, just because it feels like something bad will happen if I do.

I had a good weekend, honestly I did, but as is human nature, I wanted more. Fireworks, you know?

Though, a-her-a-her, I actually saw fireworks yesterday, but I meant the abstract kind.

Zero: I just lost an entry to the word logorrhea, but I’ll try to recap.

One: Ordered Freaks & Geeks Deluxe Edition for myself, blowing two weeks’ paycheck. Bank balance not happy, but will deposit big lump paycheck that work owes me on Wednesday when checks should arrive. Mother will have to learn about job. She is likely going to kill me. Package has already arrived, but I’m keeping it downstairs in the care of the front desk until I have time to love it right.

Two: Did well on first real college paper. Don’t know for the life of me why. Really hope it’s not a pity grade. Why do the other students get more feedback than I do? I don’t think I’m especially better at writing than they are. Does teacher think I’m not worth the time?

Three: Now, Thanksgiving is fast-approaching and I’m excited. If only because I’ll get to relax for a day or two and not be running around like a whore. The campus is all bedecked in strings of light and it’s making me feel really festive. Even though Christmas has been commercialized to hell, I don’t give a shit. It’s still nice. Christmas means everyone’s in a better mood, and those means don’t cancel out the beauty of that end.

Four: I have been starved for television and have been trawling the internet for anything entertaining and mindless. Found that Nickelodeon and Comedy Central offer some good stuff. Also found international stuff, but it’s mostly news or weird music videos. One night my roommate and I "enjoyed" some Polish rap. The dance moves make me cry.

Five: Have another paper due Tuesday. Don’t really have a clear idea of what it’ll be on. Am fried like a fish. Must write whole damn thing tomorrow because I should be asleep right now. I would be, but I have to brush my teeth. Mouth tastes like ass but one roommate in bathroom doing who knows what. Waiting, waiting. Wish we had the set up with the one shower-sink bathroom and the sink-toilet bathroom. Would mean greater convenience and speed.

Six: College is big time-bleeder. Meals take an hour and a half when they used to take half an hour. Waste more than one hour every day commuting. Distractions jumping out every which way. Impulse control down.

Seven: Roommate has evacuated bathroom. Time to head to the Land of Nod.

The rest of the song is completely unrelated lyrics-wise, but I can’t stop Frank Black (Black Francis…Charles Thompson IV…that guy) from screaming in my head, "I’m in a state." I feel all disconnected pieces and bits. Outer space, so I guess this music is appropriate.

I guess it’s good I downloaded those scratchy MP3s that year or two ago. I really didn’t have music to be angry to. But now I can scream about seeing Alexander in the archway all I like. What does it mean? It’s educational!

Well, actually, U-Mass is kind of the way I feel about college. I don’t know if I can call myself innocent observer, though. I’m guilty of some of the same sins, no doubt.

I mean, for fuck’s sake, look at the band I’m talking about. Though I guess what’s worse is that I’m wannabe Gen X. I don’t have an excuse.

Is it all right if I just leave it at I like what I like…it just happens to be popular amongst certain kinds of people?

It’s hard to feel unique in the good way. I think I’d be better off if I ignored this desire to be "special" and just went blissfully about my way. Doesn’t matter if it’s especially noteworthy, as long as I get the modicum of happiness to pull myself along.

I must be seasonal affective. It’s my first "snow." It’s just these little spots of snow, like spaced out rain. The wind is the real killer, though. I’d like to see a blizzard, just to know what it’s like.

I have this essay due on Tuesday and I don’t even know what I’m writing it on. It’s souring my mood very much.

I hate having this interim stuff to do before I can have any fun.

Winter holiday cannot come sooner.