I think I’ve about reached my limit of people saying that they "think too much."
If whatever you’re thinking about is worth a damn, then you can pretty much keep going until you reach a satisfying conclusion (if you ever do). Shutting off your brain is BAD. One can get tired of thinking about something, and it’s all right to stop pondering that and move on (to perhaps come back to later, even), but you should be moving on to something else to wrap your head around.
Of course, this opinion comes from me. My mind is always buzzing with something, and that’s how I intend to keep it. I mean, I’m not saying what’s going on inside has to be erudite or wise or especially deep, but stuff should always be rolling around in there. Why is this a bad thing? The mental wrestle is nothing to be ashamed of. If anything, people don’t seem to be considering enough things.
The attitude that thinking gets in the way of enjoying things in the moment seems like a mighty load of hogwash to me. Sure, sometimes thinking leads to worrying which leads to you not doing some things, but 1) Perhaps those worries are actually legitimate and you really shouldn’t do whatever it is, and 2) If the worry isn’t a big deal enough that when you "don’t think" you go ahead and engage in some activity, just pause a moment to process it—reject the worry as not being significant and go for it!
Easier said than done, I know, but you don’t get anywhere if you don’t try. (Of course again, I am of the nowadays naŃ—ve opinion that if you want to move upward, you have to work for it, but I don’t want to go into classism or nepotism or whatever-ism’s the matter right now.)
Or maybe you thought about something depressing so that ruins the pleasure while the thing’s happening. This is a tougher nut for me to crack and I can’t take as hard a tack on this one. Like say if you were dying of cancer or something and that soured your mood a bit…would it not be better in that case to just keep one’s mind off of the whole gravity of the matter?
October 1
Though I do believe that if you work on it enough (pour your heart out to someone or into something, if need be), you will eventually take it and it won’t control your emotions as much.
Perhaps I am overthinking this thinking issue? I just don’t think one should try to shut up one’s mind. Just go where your thoughts take you.
Which brings me to the yoga class I’m taking. There’s all this stuff about quieting the mind and I can’t make up my mind if that’s hokum or not. The teacher said it was good if we reached the place in between being asleep and being awake, but my mind is usually buzzing in that place. It stops it’s happy buzzing when the train of thoughts gets interrupted by the teacher instructing us on what our next move should be. I’m also having a hard time with the breathing stuff; not philosophically, it’s the actual physical coordination of my breath and getting my arms and legs in the right positions that gives me trouble. I think there is something wrong with my nose. I’ve been having a hard time breathing if I lie down on my side for the last three years or something. I don’t know if it’s worth telling the doctor. On the one hand, I need help; on the other, help costs money and I don’t know if the doctor will actually be able to help me out.
But that’s typical of my thinking and behavior, so I’m sure I’ll figure something out.
And now for the exciting news of what my first week of school has been like.
Not out and out awful as I’m not being antagonized, but nevertheless staggeringly lonely. I mean, I don’t feel lonely unless I see/hear other people around me all with buddies, but this god damn building’s got such shitty thin construction that even in my room, I hear other people enjoying one another’s companionship. Doors, voices, and music. We needn’t mention what it’s like when I’m out and about. I knew it was going to be somewhat tricky for me personally to figure out how to insinuate myself amongst a group of friendly, interesting people here, and I haven’t concocted a plan/the balls to really go beyond saying a hello every so often. Hello is at least a start and a lot better than where I was say, last year.
Work-wise, I am feeling the disappointment. My biology class is all right and it looks like everything’s going to be very fair. Organic chemistry is even worse than I thought it would be, but it’s not like I was expecting it to be fun in the first place. The imminent pain that class will cause me has already got me resting my forehead in my palms. The big, big let down is my social science class. Too much bull shit and no clear goals or directions. And people who talk too much in discussion section. It’s not even like the topics are boring, it’s just that the way they talk about them is! For one, there’s the fact that debate is pointless when it’s all just speculation from both sides. There’s nothing wrong with setting down important points in a systematic fashion, particularly when ideas themselves are rather abstract and talking about them all nebulously when no one’s on the same page only blocks their spreading and (we hope) enrichment of the collective knowledge. In fact, it makes the audience less receptive (open-minded) to what’s being said.
Well, that’s what I think anyway. Maybe it’s a good thing I can’t run my mouth like that usually when I’m around other people. The organization and I guess clarity just disappears from my mind. Of course, I’d probably just get torn down even if I said exactly what I wanted to communicate.
It’s kind of weird, like I’m not quite the same person when I’m not by myself. All these words and ideas and sights and sounds when I’m alone, but duller than toast when with others. Though to some extent my relative silence might be preferable considering that I get nervous and panicked when I’m trying to make conversation/friends and I say 1) Something everyone thinks is really weird/boring/unfunny (they work/worked in my head, I swear!) or 2) Something obnoxious/stupid/attention-whorish (that’s insecurity). I don’t mind 1 because all that crazy crap is actually interesting to me and it’s better to find people who like it, too, but 2 just makes me look irredeemably bad. How do I fix what’s causing it, though? I’m sort of leaning towards taking a drama class here. I’m a shit actor, but perhaps I can learn something. That’s looking actually really good to me right now. We’ll see how that goes if I actually go through with it. One of my roommates from last year took the class I’d be taking, and it did not go well for her.
But tomorrow never knows! (Take it as a sign that I’m feeling optimistic again.)
