Bottoms up.

I am on a slingshot between pity and anger. Mixed in with my natural angst, of course.

My first final for the quarter and it went horribly. I think had I studied hard and not known what to do, I wouldn’t feel so bad, but I’m just so ready to beat myself up for being a stupid bum bastard who couldn’t have bothered to properly learn the material.

I have no excuse. I don’t know why I can’t get myself to sit down and do things right. I’m always trying to avoid it even though I’ll eventually have to deal with it. My head must not be screwed on right.

And then there’s my unease about seeing the friends back home. I don’t want to be a wet blanket; I’d much rather just celebrate alone if they’re going to do anything stupid. I don’t want anyone to feel guilty; if that’s how they want to have fun, I won’t say anything, but I’m not going to pretend I’m okay with it. I just really don’t want to be around it.

Okay, maybe once for documentary purposes, but that’s it. It’s really just ego-stroking and self-fulfilling prophecies anyway. I’ll put up with some idiocy if I get sensational proof that I’m right. It’s slimy, but I’m petty.

An unfortunate trait, I know. There’s no good reason to be that way, except that it’s the quick, sloppy way for me to make myself feel better than I actually am. Sometimes you need a fix.

I hope one day to be free of that need, to rehabilitate myself, but there’s a lot of other things I’m more worried about than this currently.

Things are just very messy right now. I think I’m on my way out of the rut, but it’s clear that that doesn’t mean I should try to coast now.

More than three weeks later:

So grades came in during the winter holiday, and my lack of studying properly for my exam made little difference because I somehow managed to do well enough to be outside one standard deviation and pull off an A- in the class despite mediocre performance on the two previous midterms.

I really feel that A- is undeserved. To be honest, I don’t think grading on a curve is a good thing because the numbers don’t really reflect that I’ve learned anything. Arguably, "normal" percentage grading (90-100%= A, 80-90% = B, etc.) doesn’t say much about that either, but assuming the tests are fair (for example, exam is not too long for the given time, material on test was taught in class), a curve just means one can be lazy. At least last year, though I didn’t have a good grasp of the material, I was always somewhat lax in my studying because I knew it was at least better than those of my fellow students.

True, I should have just studied as hard as I could have even if I knew how to work the system a little, but time and motivation and energy are resources that I’m very bad at managing. I haven’t the discipline and strength to stick to my principles as much as I’d like.

No matter. I have already begun the new quarter so I get to start anew, sort of. Though it’s probably not the best of beginnings since I am already dreading the next weeks.

My mind is buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, but that hateful, hateful paper is still not even half-written. It’s close to half, but it’s not quite there yet.

At this point I don’t even care anymore, but I’ve come too far to go back. I think I’m going to get a C on it so it’s very possible that I’m just pissing away time in the worst possible way.

I don’t know where I picked the habit up but recently, everything that’s been unpleasant has garnered a, "I want to kill myself!" Am I faking it until I make it?

I think I’m still too proud to seek out help, though. I really don’t have time or the desire to make the effort.

I just read "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" by F. Scott Fitzgerald and it was great. I was attracted to the slightly sci-fi bent. How weird that a movie with Brad Pitt as the main character is coming out. I’ll have to remember to go see it.

I feel like giving Fitzgerald another chance because of the short story. I was too hard on The Great Gatsby, I guess, built it up too much in my mind. And the library’s just ordered the A&E version with Paul Rudd as Nick and I’m excited to see it because I only got to watch the first hour or so. They’ve always got Tender Is the Night sitting on the shelf.

I do wish something fantastic and amazing would happen to me, just so I wouldn’t feel so ho-hum. Things are starting to feel stale and I’d like a high-spirited adventure.

Though come back to me after finals, and we’ll see how much movement I’ll want to be doing. I look forward to returning to my bed back home in my room. If only there were internet access; I’d be set. At least the local library branch finally installed WiFi. I just hope it works.

Ooh, when I go back, I need to finish The Idiot. I unfortunately just left Prince Myshkin hanging there, with that ho-ass bitch Nastasya Filippovna acting all crazy on and off with Rogozhin.

And I’ve unfrozen all my requests and put in a whole bunch of others (mostly for movies) and I’m dead excited to see some good movies.

I’ve got stuff to look forward to, and it’s making getting through right now miserable.

It would be neat to meet someone like Benjamin Button. Unfortunate for them, but still immensely interesting for nosy people like me. The way Fitzgerald wrote Button’s mental development didn’t quite make sense in my head; I expected him to start out with the mind of a baby in an old man’s body. And for more physical issues to be manifest either at the old man’s body or baby’s body ends. I mean, of course people don’t age backwards, but I’d like at least some consistency (mind you, I’m not blaming Fitzgerald or shitting on the story, I’m just saying how it would happen in reality) with how things work. How would someone like that feel about the world? I think it would be a lot like, "Sometimes when other tots talked about what they would do when they grew up a shadow would cross his little face as if in a dim, childish way he realised that those were things in which he was never to share." God damn that’s some excellent stuff from Fitzgerald there.

I think the emotion I like best is "beautiful sadness." How emo-teen-who-listens-to-The-Cure, I know, but that’s the one I probably personally enjoy feeling the most. It’s very silly, there was an episode of South Park where Butters talked about it and it made me happy. The feeling appeals to my sense of truth and my appreciation for cosmic things-fitting-together. Which is probably horribly ironic, but I’m a little too tired to be kicking myself around so much right now.

And and and kerplut. I do feel like I’m stuck on repeat. And I feel like I’m getting stupider.

And all I want to do is watch zombie/vampire movies and cower delightedly under my covers.