Bottoms up.

I’ve been in Tokyo for four days now (since Tuesday afternoon), and so far have managed to not get myself killed or injured.

Really, that’s about where it stands, though. I can’t say "at least I haven’t made an ass of myself" or "at least I haven’t offended everyone and their mother."

There is one bright spot, however. The other students are ALL people that I enjoy talking to. I am utterly amazed. Even though their projects are on really far removed subjects, it isn’t cliqueish at all and everyone is very open and friendly. I remember looking at the list and being so freaked out that I would be isolated again. I think it helps that we all have this common interest in Japan and share some kind of adventurousness that inspired us to choose to live on our own in a foreign country for an entire year. It’s really refreshing for me to interact with people who are willing to give new things a shot. I’m so fucking sick of watching people do the same shit every day and ignore the potential good of new situations. I don’t deal well with change and I enjoy routine a lot, but taking the "if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it" tack also means nothing ever gets better.

Anyhow, orientation is wearing and schmoozing is wearing and my butt is itching to get to my actual location and meet my advisor and get settled in and start doing the science. Also, I need to get my ass to City Hall and various suchlike places and that will be something if I don’t have a Japanese person to do the listening and talking for me.

I feel sort of like a juggler who’s got all their balls in the air, but at least for now, I have resolved to push this year and go out and about and talk to people and enjoy this thing for all it’s worth.

Tuesday, 4 August 2009, 22:40

If things continue as they are now, I’m leaving Chicago with a sigh and a whimper.

But there’s still a bit of time and I may yet depart in a blaze of glory.

Even if that doesn’t work out, there will be many places I’ll be leaving in future, so my time may come at some point. Really, you can’t go anywhere but down once you hit that high point, so perhaps it’s for the best.

At this moment, I feel totally ridiculous. I try so bloody hard to be reasonable about things, and then I just fall apart at the seams and want the whole world to go away and leave me alone.

Sunday, 13 September 2009, 16:45

Well, you find me on the other side of my vacation, and by and large, predictions from the last posted entry came true. Not terribly pleasant, punctuated by a few nice meals and good bargains. I hadn’t even thought about what I’d written so I don’t think it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, but I don’t deny the possibility that it had an influence while lurking in the back of my mind.

But all this ugly bickering and heavy ennui has given me that necessary bit of excitement about my impending trip to Japan. At this point we are two days away and I have secured housing and gotten a sense of the lay of the land there, so all that’s left is to move in and fill out the paperwork. Those are non-trivial matters, but I’d rather be moving forward and living in my own place than hanging around here treading water and imposing on people’s hospitality. Throughout this trip, I’ve been trying to practice my Japanese, either translating things I’ve just said or imagining conversations in daily life situations, and it’s still very, very bad. Up until today or yesterday, I was terrified of how poorly I would fare because of this problem, but now I think I can just push through it. Sign language, using my electronic dictionary, katakana-ing the hell out of English words, or just plain speaking English, I’ll survive even if my current Japanese knowledge isn’t good enough. Maybe this time here with my mother and relatives has ground me into apathy, but that’s not a bad thing if it’s made me hungry for work and (interesting, worthwhile) challenge again.

In other news, I looked at this this morning, which lead me here through the comments. Don’t know whether this article is legit or not (a little searching tells me it was printed in November 1998 in Esquire Magazine, but I can’t find proof from Esquire itself), though for the first few pages the stories sounded very familiar like I’d read them in other sources. Yes, it’s a very touching, sweet article (though the children’s storybook bit gets gimmicky), but I left feeling like I shouldn’t have read it. It made Mr. Rogers seem creepy, and maybe even insipid. Perhaps that is a sign of how cynical I have become; part of me can’t help wonder if the man was just putting on an act. But it wouldn’t be your run-of-the-mill "kiddie show host is actually a debauched, money-hungry asshole" story. The article makes a point of emphasizing how deeply religious Fred Rogers was, how he asked a child with cerebral palsy to pray for him because he wanted the intercession of someone who had to be close to God because they’d suffered so much or how he was "greedy for the grace that people offer him." I don’t know, maybe I am just creeped out and confused because I don’t understand religion. Also, it could be that the author has inferred a lot (e.g., I doubt he actually interviewed the boy with cerebral palsy to find out his true reaction to Mr. Rogers’s request). It’s hard for me to say; I must admit that I don’t want the ideal image I have of this man to be tarnished. Still, even if he was something of a religious nut, his desire to educate children was very much real and good and powerful, and if anyone deserves to go to a good place, it’s him.