Bottoms up.

I think things are starting to turn around. I figured out what the hell the empty feeling was!

I had completely dissociated myself from the notion that I could ever be in love. It wasn’t a conscious decision, but I just had no special affection for anyone and in contemplation of my future, it didn’t enter into my head that I would meet anyone whom I could feel that way about.

But then I saw his picture on Facebook and was given quite the jolt. God, what a sweet guy he was. I bet if you punched him rainbows would fly out. I mean, I’m totally idealizing him, which is easy since I hardly even knew him, but what I did see was really, really good stuff. I remember peeking at his notebook during music civ discussion and seeing his doodles (faces!). I remember that even though he was just a TA, he seemed to genuinely give a shit and make an effort. I remember what his dog’s name is and why. I remember that he sings (and is probably quite good).

Oh, I have no expectation of ever meeting him again and I don’t think it would work out even if we did, but really, the important thing is that I know that people like him exist and that I may chance upon them in my world. It is hope!

Well, it is 1% becoming 20%, but that is actually enough to make me quite happy. At least for now.

Man, what a stupid thing to need, but what can I do? It’s nice to feel this kind of excitement once again, I can tell you that much.

Well, let’s not have mope-a-thon 2009 be the entry at the top of the page for month’s on end, shall we?

Having slept most of today away, I’m feeling a little better.

I’m not sure if it’s stress or what. It’s not like I even have real problems.

I’ll talk about things that make me happy.

Though I’m a bit disappointed that I’m not handling the cold so well (I blame my apartment being drafty), the crisp night air is so great to walk around in. And I love wearing winter coats. I feel so protected and safe and I don’t have to worry.

Night walks are possible here. I need to remember to take more advantage of this before I return to the US.

Food in Japan is great. And people here really like food.

Tokyo is such a big, exciting place.

People generally dress better here.

An old friend found me on Facebook. She has a kid! She’s only slightly older than I am.

All right, off to make dinner and write a letter.

These days, my mind is either as empty as a hobo’s pockets or it’s this feeling.

Cretin time is here again, let’s clap our hands and sit, complain.

I hate young people. It would be easier if I could settle myself with the notion that they are just trying to get through their lives in whatever way they can, but I can’t accept it. That sets the bar so low. There’s taking it easy, and then there’s being a wastrel. Educated young Americans, I don’t understand them at all. I am one, but sometimes I just feel like I’m a secret transplant from a different planet.

I have made some rather rash purchases in the past few days, and you know, that is American and Japanese taxpayer money I am wasting on that Doraemon coloring book. I feel so guilty.

But I’m probably worse than they are, because I feel this way, yet I’m not doing anything to either change my behavior or theirs.

At least this unhappy feeling is better than the unhappy feeling I have when it’s empty. Then I feel like Charlie Gordon, having a vague idea that something is missing and isn’t working, but unable to really become conscious of that fact or even comprehend it. Just ambling along in an insipid zombie shuffle.

The more I think about going home, the more I worry that it’s just going to be shit. My family will terrorize me and finding my own apartment is going to be a nightmare (and cost an arm and a leg) and then the apartment itself is probably going to be far away from ideal and everywhere I go I’ll be drowning in a sea of young-person fucktardedness. And then on top is all the school and research stress. I’m tired of all the people I know, but too much of a shit to make new friends. In Japan now, it is a very lonely existence, but that makes sense considering my crapness at the language. The slow dawning that this condition will persist, though, is too much.

 They’re doing Hedwig and the Angry Inch in Tokyo next month. I really want to go.